"Excuse me" — a simple word that for some people is almost unpronounceable. They may not speak to their loved ones for years, lose their jobs, destroy families, but still not be able to utter this short "forgive me." What lies behind this? Pride? Fear? Mental disorder? The psychological type of a person who does not apologize has a complex structure. To understand it, one needs to delve into the depths of the personality.

Narcissist: I am perfect, therefore I am never wrong

The most common psychological type of a person who does not apologize is narcissistic. The narcissist sincerely believes in his uniqueness. For him, admitting a mistake is equivalent to admitting that he is not a god, but an ordinary mortal. This is unbearable. Therefore, the narcissist rewrites reality: "It was you who provoked me," "I was just joking, but you didn't understand," "You are too sensitive." He will not apologize even if the evidence is clear. Instead of apologies, he devalues the feelings of the victim. Living with such a person means constantly doubting yourself.

Perfectionist: mistake = catastrophe

For a perfectionist, a mistake is not just a mistake. It is the destruction of the ideal image of oneself. He is so afraid of being imperfect that he denies the very possibility of a mistake. If a perfectionist stepped on your foot, he would rather say "you put your foot there" than "I apologize." An apology for him is an admission of his own worthlessness. Perfectionists often burn out because they live in constant tension. Their inability to apologize is a protection from the internal critic that already tortures them.

Victim psychological type: always offended

Paradoxically, a person with a victim's position also does not apologize. Why? Because he believes that the world is constantly attacking him, and any of his actions is forced self-protection. "Yes, I was rude, but I was provoked." "I was late because I have depression." He does not take responsibility and finds excuses. An apology would mean agreeing that he was wrong, which would break his picture of the world (I always suffer). It is difficult to deal with such people because they never change their behavior.

Sociopath: indifferent to the feelings of others

A sociopath (dissocial personality disorder) does not experience empathy. He understands that he has caused pain, but he doesn't care. Apologies for him are a manipulative tool, but if he doesn't see any benefit, he won't apologize. Unlike the narcissist, the sociopath does not consider himself perfect; he just doesn't care. He may apologize if it helps him get a discount or avoid prison. But sincere apologies from him are not to be expected.

People with a high level of shame

These are people who experienced humiliation in childhood. It is so painful for them to remember their mistakes that they deny them. Shame blocks apologies: saying "forgive me" means experiencing that same shame again. Such people often look proud and cold, but in reality, they are just protecting themselves. They need help from a psychotherapist to learn to separate actions from personality.

Authoritarian personality: weakness is not for me

A person with an authoritarian character (often found among bosses, military, police) considers apologies to be a sign of weakness. "If I apologize, subordinates will stop being afraid." He lives by the principle "who is stronger, that is right." In his picture of the world, it is the defeated who should apologize. Interestingly, he may apologize obsequiously to superiors, but never to equals or subordinates. This is not a trait of character, but a social mask.

People with a lack of mental theory

There are people who do not know how to put themselves in someone else's shoes. They simply do not understand that their words or actions could hurt someone. This happens in autism, schizoid disorder, or simply due to poor upbringing. They do not apologize because they do not see any reason. If you say to them "I was hurt when you...", they will be genuinely surprised. Unlike the narcissist or sociopath, they are not malicious, they are just misunderstood. They can be taught to apologize through algorithms.

How to communicate with a person who does not apologize

If it is important for you to maintain relationships, do not wait for apologies — you will not receive them. Try to translate the conversation into the plane of solutions: "You will not apologize, but can you at least not repeat this in the future?". Sometimes the phrase "I was hurt, I want you to know" helps. Without demanding an apology. If the person is toxic and not ready to change, it is worth thinking about distance. You are not obligated to tolerate those who do not respect your feelings.

Can such a person be changed

If the root of the problem is a mental disorder (narcissism, sociopathy), changes are unlikely. Such people rarely seek help from a psychotherapist. If the cause is shame or a lack of empathy (autistic spectrum), correction is possible. A person can be taught to apologize as a ritual, even if he does not feel guilty. Over time, this may become a habit. But first, he must want to change himself.

The inability to apologize is not just "badness." It is a symptom of deep problems. Before judging, try to understand the cause. But if you keep running into a wall, remember: you have the right to respect. And sometimes the only correct decision is to leave.

Permanent link to this publication: