It's painful. When the grandson you carried on your hands stops calling suddenly. He answers simply. He sends emojis on birthdays. Grandma becomes unnecessary. Why does this happen? Is the grandson to blame? How to cope? And can you restore the connection? Let's be honest.

Age stages

Up to 7 years: grandma is the center of the world. The grandson looks forward to her, misses her, is happy with gifts. 7-11 years: friends, school, hobbies appear. Grandma is still important, but not in the first place. 11-14 years: adolescent rebellion. The grandson may reject adults, including grandma. "You're old, you don't understand my life." This is normal. 14-17 years: separation. The grandson builds his life, grandma moves to the background. Calls become rarer. 18+: an adult grandson may be busy with work, study, family. Grandma sometimes falls out of sight.

Important: this is not personal offense, it's stages of development.

Conflicts and grievances

Grandma criticizes the grandson's parents (especially the mother). The grandson hears it, gets angry. Grandma pressures: "You should listen to me, I'm the oldest." The grandson resists. Grandma compares the grandson to other children ("But look at Masha..."). Grandma does not respect boundaries (reads correspondence, enters without knocking, comments on appearance). Grandma complains about her health to attract attention ("I'm going to die soon, and you..."). This is manipulation, the grandson gets tired.

Solution: grandma needs to change her style of communication. Do not criticize, do not pressure, do not complain. Be interested in the grandson's life without judgments.

When grandma really gets in the way

Grandma interferes in upbringing: "Don't give the child this medicine," "Don't go to this section." The grandson hears arguments between parents and grandma, gets tired. Grandma lives far away, but tries to control through her mother. This creates tension. Grandma spoils the grandson (money, gifts), parents are against. The grandson may use grandma as a "pocket," not as a close person.

If grandma does not respect the parents, the grandson takes the side of the parents. Grandma loses.

What grandma feels

Pain, resentment, a sense of uselessness, depression. "I mean nothing to him." She may get angry at the grandson, the parents. She may manipulate (illness, money). She may withdraw. Important: do not blame yourself. It's not your fault. It's life. Try to switch to other joys: hobbies, communication with friends, travel. Don't wait for a call — call yourself, but without reproaches.

How to restore contact (if it's needed)

Do not pressure. "Why don't you call?" is pressure. Better: "I miss you, I'd be happy to hear from you." Find common interests. Computer games? Grandma can learn to play simple games (for example, online chess). A series you watch simultaneously, discuss in a messenger. Ask for advice. Even if it's not needed. "What do you think, which t-shirt to buy?". Respect his freedom. If he doesn't want to talk, don't call for a week. If he misses you, he'll call.

Gifts without a reason. Not just on birthdays. Send packages with delicious treats, but without the requirement "call when you get it." If the grandson is already an adult (25+), let go. You've done your job. Now he's on his own.

When grandma is no longer needed, this is a natural stage. Don't blame anyone. Love doesn't go anywhere, it just changes form. There won't be daily calls, but there will be a deep connection. Sometimes one sentence a month is enough for grandma: "I love you, ba." And that's all that's needed.

Permanent link to this publication: